Buzzy

I think that the number one reason why I want to move back to the East Coast is so that I don't have to cram in "quality time" (which really becomes uncomfortably rushed and anxious time) with family and friends. I hate having ONLY 2 HOURS to see, catch up and spend time with a person who is very important in my life. They deserve more than 2 hours, you know?

Now my body is buzzing from anxiety because I have overwhelmed and overloaded myself, once again, and I'm on the verge of tears. I want to see all these people that mean so much to me but I end up not being able to, disappointing myself and them, and feeling like a failure in maintaining friendships. Sigh.

Unexpected

Got caught in the rain while hiking with Dad and Shep today. It was unexpected and lovely!

I declare...

That this blog will not be used to vent (all the time), air exceedingly negative thoughts, or complain. BUT. I must say... parents should really teach their children how to behave on an airplane. Kicking the back of my seat, pulling it when you stand up and sit down, and banging your feet on the floor incessantly make a 2 hour flight seem very long. VERY long. In contrast, a single mother with two small girls (both under 5) was sitting in front of me and I heard not a peep out of them.

In other news, I have been obsessed with using correct grammar lately. What's up with that?

Selfishness

I really dislike selfish people. Or maybe not so much dislike, but I am unable to get along with them. At all. Perhaps I should just "cut out" the toxicity from my life, but I feel like I wouldn't end up with anyone. Do I attract self-involved types?

Kindness

Why is it so hard to be kind to myself? I feel like I am/can be exceedingly kind to others, but I constantly criticize and overanalyze myself, including my physical appearance, actions, intelligence, etc.

I learned in this past year that I will have to be at peace with "good enough." I cannot be a perfectionist in all areas of my life at all times.

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

Getting ready to fly back to CA and start on my next great adventure... graduate school. I'm worried and anxious about it, but more than anything, I am excited. I am excited to be in a place with young people and learners. I am more excited for this than I have been for anything since I drove across the country!

I know that having fun/being at peace in a place is up to me, but I have never found it so hard as I did in the past year. Perhaps it was my job, maybe it was living close to a city (the impersonality?), or maybe it was my mindset. I am steadfastly determined to make this new place my own, and to be happy. I have to... I don't think I'll be able to make it through my experience if I'm not.

Keep your fingers crossed and pray for me!

The End

So everything is (very quickly) coming to an end and I find myself having to say goodbye to all these kids that I have had relationships with throughout the past year. I've never really said goodbye to a group of kids correctly, and I'm actually really really sad about leaving. The smallest things are making me emotional...

I was putting a bandaid on this kid's foot because he had fallen outside and scraped his ankle. We were in a quiet classroom, and he had taken off his shoe so I could get to the scrape easier, and the sight of this little kid's tiny feet almost made me cry. He trusted me completely and was so vulnerable, and in that quiet little moment I realized the effect that I've had on these kids throughout the year.

I know that the choice I am making is right for next year, but saying goodbye to kids year after year is so hard.