Ch-ch-ch-changes...

Getting ready to fly back to CA and start on my next great adventure... graduate school. I'm worried and anxious about it, but more than anything, I am excited. I am excited to be in a place with young people and learners. I am more excited for this than I have been for anything since I drove across the country!

I know that having fun/being at peace in a place is up to me, but I have never found it so hard as I did in the past year. Perhaps it was my job, maybe it was living close to a city (the impersonality?), or maybe it was my mindset. I am steadfastly determined to make this new place my own, and to be happy. I have to... I don't think I'll be able to make it through my experience if I'm not.

Keep your fingers crossed and pray for me!

The End

So everything is (very quickly) coming to an end and I find myself having to say goodbye to all these kids that I have had relationships with throughout the past year. I've never really said goodbye to a group of kids correctly, and I'm actually really really sad about leaving. The smallest things are making me emotional...

I was putting a bandaid on this kid's foot because he had fallen outside and scraped his ankle. We were in a quiet classroom, and he had taken off his shoe so I could get to the scrape easier, and the sight of this little kid's tiny feet almost made me cry. He trusted me completely and was so vulnerable, and in that quiet little moment I realized the effect that I've had on these kids throughout the year.

I know that the choice I am making is right for next year, but saying goodbye to kids year after year is so hard.

Maggie is happy! For the first time in awhile, I truly have felt happy for a significant amount of time. I think I'm turning over a new leaf!

I have decided, recently, that I am going to make more of an effort to reach out to people and kee in touch. I feel like I am really good at keeping in touch and being a good friend, but I constantly have issues with people getting back to me. I feel like I am always the one to initiate things, always the one to call/text/email, and it gets irritating after awhile. my impulse is, since i am consistently good to people that aren't always good to me, is to continue contacting these people, regardless of whether or not i feel hurt. maybe i need to change my outlook.

i will be back east for a significant amount of time this summer, and that was intentional. i need to reconnect with a lot of family and friends, and i am looking forward to it. maybe this interim annoyance will pass.

I got the blues

I just spend a great deal of time looking through my past blog posts on Livejournal, and it is incredibly surprising to me how happy I was 2 years ago. Not that I'm unhappy now, I just remember how it felt to be newly in California, have wonderful friends, have just met Evan, and feel like I had the world at my fingertips. My life is more grounded now.

I have been feeling really friendless lately. Or maybe it's the lack of significant connections that is getting me. I have lots of meaningful relationships, but I get frustrated that I cannot spend time with these people when I want to (or need to). I am reaching out here, I am, but I consistently feel melancholy, introspective, and a little withdrawn.

We all go through phases, right? That year-long phase after I arrived in CA was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was floating on Cloud 9.

Some things are better now, some are worse. I'm just sick of feeling so down.